For ages, years even, I felt quite out of the ‘inner blogging circle’; an eager but somewhat lost participant desperate to fit in. I’ve been blogging now for eight years but I’ve never felt worthy or cool enough to approach the big boys, partly due to my fairly small and somewhat stagnant following and partly due to my character. I’ve never been the most confident or naturally outgoing person.
Despite my often insatiable love of all things beauty I more often than not tend to stick to a very basic every day look because, to be honest, most of the time I can’t be bothered. I love cut creases and dewy highlighter as much as the next girl but when it comes to putting my face on in the morning, I often allow myself to indulge in what I consider to be the perfect four product face.
Anxiety has been a constant presence in my life. From separation anxiety to agoraphobia, I’ve spent 25 years plagued by panic attacks and debilitating fears that have stopped me living my life to the fullest, always full of nervous energy over what it will morph into next. Both medication and therapy have been hugely helpful, but having accepted that it’s always going to be a condition that I’m going to struggle with in one way or another, I’m always on the lookout for new and innovative ways to provide relief.
At the time we were all confused. It just seemed like she was completely high off her face or needed to be locked up in a mental asylum. But after struggling with various deists era for many years - I get it. I’ve even been there myself sometimes, moments from doing something mid massively regret (and a few times actually gone through with it).
The last few months have certainly brought a lot to light for me. I’ve witnessed my strength and my weakness, my fragility as a human being and the insane twists and often unpredictable turns of the human mind. They have taught me a lot too; about myself, about the intricacies of mental illness and about the unnoticed plight of those around us who struggle with different diseases and disorders that often go undiscussed.
Growing up, I genuinely thought I was a freak (don’t we all?) because I was very different from all of my friends. I know we all go through feelings of uncertainty, feeling like we don’t quite belong, but this wasn’t a case of growing pains or mistaken identity. Unknown to both myself and my family for years, I was suffering with bouts of severe anxiety. Unfortunately for me it was always mislabelled as home sickness or even being overly dramatic, but I knew that something was seriously wrong with me.